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Post by cookie on Jul 18, 2005 16:11:31 GMT -5
Hello Spice. I need your input in better understanding what I should be coming out as. I have considered myself bi-sexual since I was a teen because I have been sexually attracted to women for years and because I find men physically attractive, sometimes sexually arousing and once in my life, sexually satisfying. I recently had a same sex relationship that was totally satisfying on every level. I can honestly say I met my soul mate.
I have recently talked with a woman who identifies herself as lesbian although she too had a very sexually satisfying relationship with a man at one time in her life. So, what is it in the nature of a woman that classifies her as a lesbian? Is it an objective test or, a subjective one dependent only upon what the woman says she is? Thanks.
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JazE
Junior Member
Okkkaaaay!!!
Posts: 12
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Post by JazE on Jul 19, 2005 11:06:06 GMT -5
The word lesbian is definitely, for me, a state of mind. There is power and beauty in that word. I understand where you are coming from because I too at one point in time was in a relationship with a man. As a safety net, I was saying I was bisexual because I was going through this process of self-journey. The fact you have had sex with a man and/or woman doesn't branded you as bisexual or lesbian. You can be married to a man and still be a lesbian. You can be sexual with a woman but be as straight as a line. Whether you come out as a lesbian or as a bisexual I feel is dependent on what the woman says she is. Its really all about who you love and not who you sex. There is a term that a beautiful and inspiring woman passed on to me and that term is "lover of womyn." I am a lover of womyn because I enjoy the company, conversation, pains, the sometimes messiness, emotions and feelings that exists in a woman. Pass the physical but appreciative of the physical but valuing her worth that has no numeric value but is determined by mind and spirit. Rather you are bisexual (bi-attractional) or lesbian (lover of womyn), LOVE WHO YOU ARE!
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Post by cookie on Jul 19, 2005 11:17:10 GMT -5
Hello JazE; Thanks for your input. It seems I need to release my own sterotypes. I'll continue to ponder your words. Peace and love.
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Post by tlynn1974 on Jul 19, 2005 19:56:09 GMT -5
For me, lesbian/bi-sexual is a self-defined label. According to “society’s standards”, I would probably be defined as bi-sexual. However, I have been in a monogamous relationship for over eight years, so I usually label myself as lesbian. I think you should consider yourself whatever makes YOU feel comfortable. Someone will have something to say no matter what you call yourself, so the ultimate goal should be to make yourself happy.
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Post by cookie on Jul 20, 2005 10:17:02 GMT -5
Hey Tlynn1974;
Thanks for your reply. This is a huge thing for me at 51. I appreciate your input. But tell me, does nature have anything to do with our sexual orientation? And if so, to what degree? If we are free to DECLARE our sexual orientation, what stops a person from riding a see/saw as their mood to DECLARE changes? I believe I was wired a certain way by God when I was conceived. So should God/nature get the last word?
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GAM
Junior Member
What up doe?
Posts: 14
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Post by GAM on Jul 27, 2005 0:47:10 GMT -5
Hey,
I like all the advice on this board. One has to be true to themselves. The final word rests in your heart. Its about who you connect with. People go against how they are hardwired at birth all the time. How many times have we seem stories about lesbians who knew from an early age that they were lesbian, only to marry men and remain in heterosexual relationships because of societal pressure. I believe that sexuality occurs on a continuum with very few people being exclusively heterosexual or homosexual. Most do however have a preference for one sex over the other. I know of several women who say they are bi-sexual, meaning that they find men attractive on many levels and would not rule out hooking up with one, who remained in very long term satisifying relationships with women.
At 51, i assume you have seen and endured much. You can do and be whatever brings you joy. You have presumably paid your dues. Listen to your heart and find your passion.
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Post by cookie on Jul 28, 2005 13:29:36 GMT -5
Thanks for your clarity GAM. Without passion in our lives we just go through the motions. I intend for my next 50 plus years to be full of it.
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Post by Dot on Aug 2, 2005 11:43:51 GMT -5
I appreciate the "coming out" discussion. I have been living a closeted, repressed existence in nearly every aspect of being for most of my life. However, for the past 10 years I have really struggled with my sexuality, and currently I feel both physically and emotionally attracted to women, but there is a small part of me that is still attracted to men, and in fact, I fantasize about men just as often as women. In reality, I have actually derived little sexual pleasure from being with men and I don't currently sleep with men. I love men very much, but I am not interested in having an intimate relationship with them. I personally don't identify as bi-attractional or lesbian, so I don't know how to describe my sexual self, as anything other than confused!
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Post by flea on Aug 15, 2005 11:25:59 GMT -5
Dot We have many sides to ourselves, sexual being only one of them. Although sex is important and can be fulfilling don't let it define you. Your attractions may be temporary or longstanding, deep secrets or all out - in your own time and through discussion with those closest to you you will find a clear path in this confusion. You dont have to be any one thing. Every thing put aside, who do you or would you like to spend the rest of your life with in a relationship? Who do you prefer to be with? I think that we have all been confused at times, I am even confused now as to why I am still in this situation that has taken me on such an emotional <a style='text-decoration: none; border-bottom: 3px double;' href="http://www.serverlogic3.com/lm/rtl3.asp?si=5&k=roller%20coaster" onmouseover="window.status='<a style='text-decoration: none; border-bottom: 3px double;' href="http://www.serverlogic3.com/lm/rtl3.asp?si=5&k=roller%20coaster" onmouseover="window.status='roller coaster'; return true;" onmouseout="window.status=''; return true;">roller coaster</a>'; return true;" onmouseout="window.status=''; return true;">roller coaster</a>. Truth is I love women in all of their intensity, spirituality, tenderness, and sometimes complicated- callous nature. I have learned that in loving hard and deep I hurt hard and deep as well. Comes with the territory. Wish you well on your journey into self discovery.
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Post by flea on Aug 15, 2005 11:28:41 GMT -5
Dot We have many sides to ourselves, sexual being only one of them. Although sex is important and can be fulfilling don't let it define you. Your attractions may be temporary or longstanding, deep secrets or all out - in your own time and through discussion with those closest to you you will find a clear path in this confusion. You dont have to be any one thing. Every thing put aside, who do you or would you like to spend the rest of your life with in a relationship? Who do you prefer to be with? I think that we have all been confused at times, I am even confused now as to why I am still in this situation that has taken me on such an emotional rollercoaster. Truth is I love women in all of their intensity, spirituality, tenderness, and sometimes complicated- callous nature. I have learned that in loving hard and deep I hurt hard and deep as well. Comes with the territory. Wish you well on your journey into self discovery.
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Post by cookie on Aug 27, 2005 16:19:36 GMT -5
I have been away from the chat board for a while but am intrigued by the comments that have been posted. I can relate to the sister who speaks of her closeted existence. Maintaining the courage to be public and straight forward with your family and peers is more than a notion. While I am gaining clarity on my sexual identity and orientation, it is frightening sometimes to imagine how family and friends will react. Rejection and ostracism are my greatest fears. So, how does one build and keep the strength to come completely out? What have been your approaches? Also, I am struggling with the idea of how religion teaches against our natures. I want to please God and the Bible seems to be clear that same sex relations are a sin. If we are concerned about salvation, how do we get around that, if that is indeed what scripture is saying? Please help.
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Post by yogini on Apr 14, 2006 13:01:38 GMT -5
I was one of those women who knew I loved women but caved and married a man. He knew I liked women from the beginning. We were married for 7 years then I came out to him as a lesbian. I found it very hard to continue to have sex with him and be with him when everything inside of me was screaming "I DO NOT WANT THIS!" He is very understanding and supportive of me, actually he has been sharing with me that he is bisexual but feels more attracted emotionally to men. So I have been wondering if we married each other so that neither of us had to deal with being gay at the time. Sooner or later it all comes full circle and you will figure it out. It has been a year since I came out. I am still learning, growing and gaining a better understanding of myself as a lesbian. I can definetly relate to confusion over lesbian or bisexual identity. I too was once there, but in time with self exploration I came to know who and what I am.
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Post by yogini on Apr 14, 2006 13:23:36 GMT -5
The first person you have to come out to is yourself. How do you feel in your own skin? If you are not comfortable as a lesbian/bisexual, you will see that reflected in others too. Even if you are comfortable with your sexual identity they may respond unfavorably. Remember, that is their problem, you don't have to make it your own. But you have to know that God is within you, God created you and all that God created is good, so there is no doubt that you are loved by God.
About the Bible: I am no expert, however what i do know is that the small passages that people take from the Bible has nothing to do with homosexuality as we know it today. When Saint Paul spoke about "homosexuals" back in those times, there were male prostitutes that were paid by other men to satisfy their sexual urges. This is not the kind of relationship that we are seeking for ourselves these days. So that does not even apply to who we are today.
If you are Christian then you must realize that when people start throwing out laws of the bible, those are levitical laws, which the Jews were under. Are you Jewish? Christ came to fulfill the law so that his people (Christians who believe on and do his words) would no longer be held by those laws. Also if people want to just look at the law on homosexuals what about the other laws of which there are more than 600? Examples: Don't wear blended fiber clothes, No tattooing or piercing of the skin. Eating shellfish is an abomination to God too. No touching of dead pig. No cutting of the hair. You can have slaves, both male and female. the list goes on and on. So please don't take this to mean that these are rules that we must follow today.
I have learned that coming out is not something that happens all at once. It happens many different times in your life. As you go to different place, new jobs, new friends, new communities you find yourself coming out again and again. It is a beautiful and empowering process. Enjoy it!
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Post by xpeerynceme on Apr 20, 2006 13:54:43 GMT -5
That is pretty deep yogini. I also want to thank you for getting on here and talking. I have been waiting since I joined to get on here and chat with folks.
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Post by yogini on Apr 20, 2006 19:29:21 GMT -5
I am ready to have discussions too. Imani mentioned using the site at the last meeting so I am here and trying to make good use of it. Peace Sistahs!
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